2016, the shortest and probably the most self destructive year I went through. I look back and find a pile of mistakes I committed this year. But then alongside I find every attempt I did to fix things. I know nothing is fixed outside, but I’m happy that as the end is coming near, I’m moving towards a new beginning. In an attempt to fix things outside, I ended up fixing my insides and they were worth it. It felt like recovering from some old disease. It was a renewal of my soul and I just don’t know what should I call this year? An angelic evil?
On further retrospection, it was quite a shock that half of my year I spent in making things bad and the next half I spent in holding myself together and improving everything which made me to crumble. I lost a friend, actually two of them due to my ‘oversensitive, confused and parasitic’ nature, gave someone false hopes that I’d be with them some day, messed on love and friendship because I did not have a backbone, made my boyfriend suffer like a bitch, left him when he needed me the most, broke up and became a reason for his high blood pressure. Seeing him cry uncontrollably was the last nail in the coffin.
First 6 months of 2016 were over and I was left with nothing. I sat back and thought about the person I had become. Things were really bad. And suddenly I thought… “they’re too bad to worsen, now they are bound to get better”. It was middle of the year and my birthday, when I started amending. That very day, I messaged one of my lost mates just to say sorry and ask him to come back and to my exclamation, It worked! He said “yes! our friendship is on”. After months of gloominess this was the first thing that happened right. And then another journey started.
I went back to my college group, started afresh. I kept track of everything I have ever done wrong and my any and every action made sure I never repeat the past. ‘Maybe’ was converted to ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and ‘I’ll try my best’ into ‘I’ll see if I can’. I let some people go because I realised the shallowness of some relationships. What I did to my boyfriend was beyond forgiveness so I decided not to ask for one. For many days I did not say a ‘sorry’ to him because I never wanted him to forgive me. Instead I tried harder every day to replace every bit of tear into a smile. It was the only thing which kept me intact and never allowed me to break. I did what all I could and this love what I had inside me, it was something beyond words. It was selfless, without expectations and epic. All the guilt I had and still have dissolved everytime he smiled and after that gradually the pain eased. Guilt was finding it’s way out and I grew optimistic “If I can fight this alone, I can fight anything”.
Superficially you may say I was being cruel or lunatic or vengeful but what I actually was being can be termed as ‘territorial’. I gave up on caring about everyone and everything and took to caring for myself and my family. Everyone was a friend and still no one was. I believe everyone but trust none. And what I’ve become right now is a little hard to perceive but I’m happy with this. I don’t want to please people with a lie, I want to hurt them with the truth. This is what 2016 made me. Right now I know I curse this year for snatching my strength out of me but I also know that 5 years after I’ll thank this year for giving me much bigger strengths.
Tomorrow is 31 december, and I’ll be completing 5 years with my boyfriend and it feels so proud and happy this time. I love you baby! See we made it! That too together 🙂
posting via Daily Prompt: Renewal
Posting via Discover Challenge: Retrospective